Photo of the Week--10/25/10

When we visited Amsterdam in the fall of 1998, I had to get a shot of this boat. Amsterdam is noted for its, er, enlightened attitude toward the cannibis plant, and I'm sure there are tourists who go there just to experience it. As we were traveling with a 4-year-old and I'm an asthmatic, it didn't have any appeal, but this boat was too funny to resist. I'm not sure how the folks at Disney would feel about Aladdin's genie and Donald Duck cavorting about with weed  ... or maybe that explains a lot about their behavior, like why Donald never wears pants.

Photo of the Week--1/4/10

Boy would likely kill me if he knew I posted this picture, but since he doesn't read my blog, I guess he can't complain, can he? This is one of those funny things you find when you travel around to different countries. In Prague we encountered dog bombs wherever we walked because they hadn't discovered pooper scooper laws, and here in Bruges (Belgium) we found this artificial "tree" just for dogs to use. The cartoon sign is hysterical (evidently it's a girl dog doing her thing), and it didn't take much to get Boy to agree to this pose. When you're six years old, anything having to do with pee is automatically funny.

Wordless definitions: Indomitable

They say a picture can say a thousand words; this one says twenty:

"Screw you, motor-obsessed culture! I will run my errands on my bike even if you don't provide bike racks!"

Wordless definitions: Funny

You know, it's really hard to concentrate on instructing your son on the finer points of highway driving when you get onto US-23 and see the leader of a group of bikers with a naked blow-up doll on the back of his motorcycle. At least she had a helmet on.

Seriously, if you don't at least smile at this, there's something wrong with you.

The hamsters in my head

No, I'm not about to blog about how rodent-shaped aliens are trying to control my (and your) actions as their first step in taking over the world, primarily because I don't think the first aliens we encounter will resemble any creature familiar to us. (Although I'm of two minds on the issue; at times I also think life on Earth can be so wildly strange and varying, what haven't we seen yet? A good question for sci-fi writers, and I love to read alien contact stories.) Anyway, back to the subject, which is not rodential* alien mind control but metaphors. That's right, those figures of speech we learned about back in middle school, the ones that aren't similes. Everyone remembers similes, because simile sounds like similar, which also means like, and oh yeah, a simile is when you say something is like something else. Example: My toenails are like little golden pebbles. (From my lucky golden pedicure, which isn't all chipped away but is getting close. Sigh.)

Similes are handy tools, but I prefer metaphors, and not just because I hear enough use of the word "like" with a teenager in the house. (It's, like, a speech impediment when they, like, are trying to say, like, something.) Metaphors set up an equivalence between two unrelated things for purposes of comparison, and without the word "like" they are stronger and more direct. Some metaphors almost tell stories of their own; they provide images and connections that build on what the reader already knows. You can take a common metaphor and add to it and people know exactly what you mean. For example, "My train of thought wasn't just interrupted, it was derailed." That's more concise—and more interesting—to read than "I was trying to think about something, but I couldn't focus and I started thinking about something else entirely!" It's like a figurative version of that old writers' chestnut, "Show, don't tell."

So, about the hamsters: yesterday I was trying to think of what to write for my status update on Facebook. It may sound silly, worrying about what to write and whether you sound interesting or not, but it's actually a good exercise in pithy writing. In any case, I was trying to decide what to write: something about my cat troubles? about my plans for the day, or for the week? As I waffled back and forth, indecisive, an image came into my mind: a hamster falling off its wheel, dizzily walking around and banging into its cage walls. So this is what I posted: "The hamster in my brain has run off its wheel and I can't decide what to write for a status update, so you get a dizzy hamster."

Yes, it's a bit silly, but people understood what I was talking about. Sometimes your hamster is running all out and you're focused; sometimes it's lazing along and you're playing games; sometimes it's fallen off the wheel and dizzy; and sometimes, as my critique buddy Todd said, the hamster gets one leg caught in the wheel and is caught spinning out of control, head banging the floor and ceiling. All that is so much more fun than saying, "I'm feeling focused/slow/silly/crazy today." Mmmm, metaphors.

*not a real word, but I like it anyway.

Not my job....

As I was driving down Ford Road today, I was contemplating the usual Road Kill Rodeo: raccoons (they must be the stupidest of animals, they're the most frequent victims), deer, squirrels, possum, etc etc etc. I was also contemplating the bright, new, yellow stripes and rumble strips recently placed down the middle of the road.

I also contemplated how at least three or four of those unfortunate animals now had double yellow stripes painted down the middle of their remains. The road workers couldn't be bothered to nudge the little corpses out of the way before applying paint to the road. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt; perhaps the painting is automated and they can't see the carcasses to move them. If that's the case, shouldn't someone invent a cowcatcher-type device to reduce interference? Otherwise, some time in the near future there will be little animal corpse-sized gaps in the yellow lines, and that can't be good.

Still, on a hot and humid day like today I am very glad that road-kill picker-upper is not my job. If your curious what that job is like, and you've never seen the awesome show that is Dirty Jobs on Discovery, take a look at the first half of this video, and be glad no one has yet perfected Smell-o-Vision:

Curiosity made the cat annoying...

It's common knowledge here in our house that cats hate a closed door. They hate being shut out. If you close a door for any reason—maybe you want a little privacy, or some peace and quiet—as soon as you open the door you'll find a little crowd has gathered outside. Sometimes they don't even want to wait:



Of course, being shut out is a minor problem. What they REALLY hate is being shut in:



Now that I think about it, they may just hate any change to the status quo. There is one door inside our house that always remains shut; the basement door is right in the middle of our breakfast nook, and you couldn't walk from the kitchen to the family room if you left it open. On occasions that I travel down to the basement for a couple minutes—to pick out a book or visit the freezer—I will leave the door open. And this is what happens:



(Whoops, that video didn't come out well; you can't hear Calli crying as if she were lost and starving, but that's what she does.) You'd think our feline overlords would realize we could serve them better if their wants were at least consistent. But I suppose we couldn't demonstrate our devotion if they made it any easier for us, could we?

I M Lazee

Lots of things going on this weekend, so I'm being kind of lazy today. Not much work going on; maybe I'll sew a bit and finish the book I'm reading. It's spring break, so I'm looking forward to a week and a half without the 6 am wake up call.

I can't leave you without something fun, though. Unfortunately, I can't embed this video, ABC won't let me. But I promise if you click through and play it, it will make you smile.

Aaaaahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha!

Pick my next project!

I'm feeling the need to try something new. I have two fantastic ideas for projects, but I just can't decide which has the better prospects. So I thought, let's see what my readers think (all six of you). Consider these two great ideas and let me know which one you like best.

1) I was browsing the TV the other day and turned to my favorite channel, Lifetime Movie Network. I got caught up in The Loneliest Runner for the fortieth time. I was sobbing (again) as the young protagonist (whom writer Michael Landon based on his childhood self) ran up to his house where his urine-stained sheets hung from his bedroom window. And I thought about all those poor children around the world with bed-wetting problems: there should be a book for them! So I thought I would use my researching skills to create a bibliotherapeutic guide for children dealing with enuresis (bed-wetting). Of course, it will be written in verse. The tentative title? I Wish My Bladder Were Fatter: A Child's Guide to Incontinence.

2) The other day I was driving down Ford Road, the 55-mph route towards Ann Arbor, and I noticed signs of spring: dead raccoon. Dead possum. Dead squirrel. Dead raccoon, dead raccoon, half a dead raccoon. Dead deer. I asked that timeless question all authors use for inspiration: What if? What if I were a little kid riding the bus down Ford Road, so bored that there was nothing to do but look out the window? What might I imagine, gazing down at all those squashed animals? They wouldn't just lay there, that's for sure. They'd get up and play, they'd jump and cavort, ... they'd run away from the bus. And little Bobby would see himself out there with his slightly flat friends, playing tag and chasing them. The tentative title of this one? Road-Kill Rodeo.

So note in the comments which one of these two projects you like best. I can't wait to get started!*

*Or you could take note of the date and suggest your own horrible children's book title.

I just looove musicals!

I try not to get too political here, but this is a bit of political humor I felt compelled to share, especially since it features Neil Patrick Harris, who I think is extremely funny and talented. And so, thanks to Funny or Die, Prop 8: The Musical!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Dance with the devil...

... at least, that's what my felines would think about the following:

Hair today, gone tomorrow!

We've created a monster! Boy says it's my fault for telling him how much fun I had in my marching band days, and what great friends you can make. His great new friends decided to shave his head in honor of Nationals competition, which happens this weekend in Indianapolis. So here you see the before (crazy hair after being pinned under his uniform hat) and after (hair all gone!).

Hmmm ... a vision of his follicle-challenged future? Seriously, I couldn't be prouder of Boy this fall. Not only has he gone all out in participating in marching band (at least 24 hours of rehearsal a week), he's done it while earning all As and A-s in his first quarter of high school. Hopefully someone will post a video of the show very soon, because it's amazing and I can't wait to link to it. Go PCMB!

Maybe I'm a dingbat, but this is funny:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Or maybe I've just done one too many typesetting jobs....