Thursday, July 28, 2011

Please ... think of the trees!

It's been five months since I left off going through the pile of Boy's college brochures, and since then he's added very good ACT score and a second top AP to his credit. The stack is ready to spill out of its hidey-hole, so it's time for me to peruse the pile and add my snarky comments....

Rice U. (TX): glossy one-fold brochure with six reasons on "Why Rice?" Carbs not one of the reasons.
Boston U.: we're hedging our bets ... enter with a major in Engineering, like you said on your ACT survey, or discover "an unexpected new passion or career path."
Wayne State (3): Take a peek at your future ... wait, you can move your hands from your eyes, Detroit is safe now!
Northwestern U.: nice glossy brochure: we're fancy but not stuck up! And purple!
North Carolina: "May I tell you why I love UNC?" Actually, I think the question is "Can you," and the answer is "No."
Grand Valley State: Sign up for the Laker Experience! Does it involve Laker girls? Because Paula Abdul is so passe.
Brown U.: Combines the best of both worlds ... an Ivy League education and a name that lends itself to immature jokes!
U of Kentucky (11): New slogan "See Blue." Every month, it seems like.
U of Southern Cal: "As a top-rated private institution in the heart of Los Angeles, $$$$$$$$$$$$$." Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to read further.
Oakland U (MI): wouldn't it be so easy to stop by an check us out? Not as easy as trashing this postcard.
THE Ohio State U (2): Looks like no change from the last brochure, and no change in our response: AHAHAHAHAHA!
Ohio Northern (2): Big brochure with key facts, among them these seemingly contrary ones: School mascots are the Polar Bears, but the school colors are orange and black? Are they Halloween polar bears?
Harvey Mudd College (CA): Awesome holographic brochure! Focus on math, science, and engineering! And 35 minutes from Disneyland!
DePaul U (2): Come to our local reception in metro Detroit to hear about Chicago!
College of Wooster: Choose your adventure now ... in Ohio?
OSU (3): come visit and learn more ... or visit our tattoo shops for extra cash!
Sarah Lawrence: no need to mention we're co-ed, unless you count name-dropping Joseph Lawrence and Star Wars in the first sentence.
U of Michigan ... Dearborn (2): Damn.
Penn U: Ben Franklin founded us ... we're Ivy League but we don't need to mention it until the last paragraph.
Embry-Riddle: Aeronautical University! in Florida! Where you could train to work on the shuttle progr—erm, never mind.
Lake Superior State (MI): The one picture with snow shows kids wearing sweatshirts ... and neither does the flyer that came a few days later. Yeah, not buying it.
Penn State: Take five seconds to return this postcard ... or five minutes to try and unfold this brochure.
Michigan Tech: Visit our virtual booth at our online College Fair!
U of M Dearborn (3): Sigh. Great value, though!
Mercer U (GA): these Bears don't believe in hibernation! (And they're trying to attract teens?)
Miami U (OH): ACT score = potential $10K per year scholarship!
Princeton U: We're so Ivy League, we don't need to mention it.
Penn State (2): Check out our local meeting!
Bowling Green State (OH): Young eyes could read tiny white letters on a bright orange background, but old parent eyes can't.
George Mason U (VA): attend our National Youth Leadership Forum on National Security. Gulp.
Macalester College (MN, 2): This may be your last piece of mail from us, unless ... Promise?
SUNY at Albany: College of Nanoscale Science & Engineering ... Nano, nano, nano!
Kentucky (12): Ooo, a glossy newsletter instead of the usual letter .... zzzzzz.
USC (2): Big brochure with pretty pictures.
U of Chicago (8): Emphasizing research instead of the usual quirky stuff ... setting up for the big brochure coming soon.
U of Illinois: "We practically invented engineering. Ok, maybe not."
DePaul U (3): The postcard literally says "Hi." We say, "Bye."
Miami of OH (2): "successful students like you earn special perks," which sadly do not include free cars and tattoos.
Wooster (2): "Follow a path that's all your own," along with all the other students.
New York U: New York City, kids, with guaranteed housing!
U of Chicago (9): Includes big poster designed to give students "warm fuzzies imagining my future as a college student."
University of Michigan...: ... Ann Arbor! Hooray! It took you long enough. But hey, we had the president at our last commencement.

Since Boy actually wanted to read that last one, I'm going to stop here. I've still got a stack two inches thick, but that can wait for another installment.

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